Diagnosis: Bipolar
Diagnosis is always tricky with any illness. The frightening part of it is the "wait and see". With bipolar disorder it is unnerving in so many ways. Wait for a mania that can spin your child out of control. Then wait for another one. Wait for a deep, dark depression that can send your child into a suicidal loop from which she cannot return on her own. Wait and see, wait and see. Try these meds; no, these, no, these. Try again. And then there are all the feelings of this journey through the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Like the "poles" of bipolar, these can come on top of one another, or in completely unpredictable sequences. My experiences as a mom may not be yours but I thought I would share my own journey.
Denial: "Hell, no, this is not bipolar!" (whoops, was that anger?) "We've seen nothing of mania. Yes, a severe, severe, depression. Let it not be bipolar; that is a horrible label. This CANNOT be." After the mania, another round of, “This cannot be!”
Anger: For me, anger took on the feelings of, "It's not fair". "My daughter didn't deserve this. She had done nothing to deserve this. Her life was going forward as she had planned and she had worked so very hard to get there. NOT FAIR!!!"
Bargaining: I really got into this one. I actually said, many, many times: "PLEASE God or whoever you are, PLEASE give this to me. I can deal with it. PLEASE give it to me."
Depression: Therapy, anyone? "I personally do not need this because I am a professional." Yeah, right. Whoops, not so fast--- inside of me was a sad, broken little girl who was so very frightened and so unsure of what to do. I was supposed to be the mom. I knew things yet I couldn't fix it.
Acceptance: This illness has cracked open an even deeper love and honesty in our family that we did not expect. We were a close family before but things have changed. Deepened. Strengthened. We are stronger. Broken pipes? Unexpected bills? Disappointments? Sorry, we have stood toe to toe with much worse. We almost lost our daughter. More than once. We love deeper and stronger and we appreciate every minute of health and happiness we can find.
Hi, I agree. Wait and see is how I live. My oldest is in group home. They now feel after 6 weeks, he MAY not be able to find success there as he can't hold level for one week. He has good and bad days. Very defiant but not violent. Just won't do what is asked. They are thinking a residential center may be some place he can handle better. In RC they get daily supports and consequences as opposed to having "weekly" level meeting and support - going on a field trip - or consequences - losing house priviliges and not taking trip. I'm nervous. Anyone have this experience before?
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June from NJ
DGS13: b/p; ADHD; Depakote 750mg; seroquel 60mg
DGS12: ADHD; vyvanse 40mg
lovey:dog 6yrs
cat: cat 15 yrs
self: cymbalta; busbar; avapro
June,
I remember when my daughter went to RTC. It was the hardest thing I had ever done. Staff there assured me that a year later I would be amazed at the progress, and they were right. Not that we haven't had bumps in the road since, but still the time was definitely worth it. Dd learned many valuable lessons and came out much more stable than when she started. My dd was defiant and violent, and they were able to make progress with her - though not as quickly as with others. She was there three months. Our family was healed during that time. At least now, dd does not completely push me away as before. It's so much easier to fight BP together instead of fighting each other!
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Kelly, 45, Prozac, Wellbutrin
Steph, dd, 15, BP, ADHD, (4th phosp stay recently ended, now PHP) 9th grade, public school, IEP Seroquel, 900mg, Trileptal 600 mg, Buspar, Ritalin, Xyzal (antihistamine)
Jeff, 50, step-dad since 2005, supportive
June and Kelly, thank you for comments. The pain of having an ill child is something indescribable and something I hope no parent experiences. Yet we do. You are both so important to the recovery of your children and I am sure you both know to take care of yourselves. It is difficult to do but so necessary! Age does make a difference. Kids and teens with BP and other MHC struggle on so many levels. It never goes away but I think it does help when a brain begins to mature and settle down somewhere in the mid-20's (for girls) and a little later for boys. But there will always be worries and concerns for our children as they become adults. We have to hold on to the hope and stay grounded in the reality so we can address the issues and support their recovery. Take care, Kelly and June! Cinda
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Cinda Johnson